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02 February 2010 @ 07:18 pm
you make me happy when skies are grey - [1/1]  
title: you make me happy when skies are grey
author: misstellittome
genre: angst; sad; gen
rating: pg
length: oneshot; 3848 words
summary: things are suddenly changed when jaejoong lands himself in the hospital.  junsu goes to great lengths to make sure that nothing has changed.
warnings: not beta-ed; character death
concrit: yes, please.


* written for the february prompt:
"i can only take so much
these tears are turning me to rust
i know you re waiting there for me to come back
i m too afraid to show "



///
you make me happy when skies are grey
jaejoong&junsu
3,848 words
pg


the curtains had been purposefully made with bright patterned cloth.  still, years of sterilization and fluorescent hospital lights left them looking faded and gray.  they were thread-bare by the time junsu got his hands on them, pushing them back to see the person inside the room, on the bed, gazing up blankly at the ceiling.

junsu felt as detached as the glazed eyes that stared at everything but junsu.  he made an effort to breathe.  in, out.  inhale, exhale.  the smells were incredibly clean, but were making him nauseous.  junsu quickly slipped the silver object from his bag and placed it on the table next to the hospital bed.

quietly and quickly, junsu mumbled, "...you" and left.

=

fellow pedestrians stared as junsu peered into a shop window.  it was an antique shop with a display of an old doll house.  inside, there was the prettiest doll junsu had ever seen.  it was realistic and at the same time, delicately beautiful.  it's glass eyes stared up into oblivion as it laid on the bed as it had been lain by some previous owner or shop keeper.  for some reason, the sight of it drew salty moisture to junsu's eyes.  he hastily wiped them away and pressed onward down the sidewalk.  he dragged his contraption behind him as he walked, drawing even more attention from passersby.

when junsu reached a particularly steep downward hill, junsu stopped at the peak and looked down doubtfully.  the dolly carrying the makeshift mannequin had creaky old wheels.  not much control.  junsu wondered if he should carry on with his plan.  the way down seemed dangerous, both for junsu and the mannequin.  pushing the dolly to a dirty whitewashed wall, junsu leaned the mannequin in it's side.  squatting, junsu contemplated his situation.  he wanted to push forth no matter what.  but...  it was then that he took one glance up at the mannequin’s face.  this drew a smile from junsu and he stood up once more. 

"alright.  you convinced me.  let's go" junsu mumbled as he took hold of the dolly's handle and the plastic hand of the mannequin.

after several near fatal accidents (fatal for the mannequin), two scrapes on the hands, and three scrapes on the knees, junsu found himself at the bottom of the hill.  his cheeks were rosy with the effort and his forehead was moist with perspiration.  the fine threads of hair that stuck to his forehead were hastily pushed off as junsu shoved his face startlingly close to the mannequin’s.

"see?" junsu said aloud.  "we made it.  just fine."

junsu's trek wasn't over however.  he still had a ways to go before he would reach his goal.  there were long flights of stairs to go down and rough roads to cross.  junsu came across one such road next.  it was crudely made with black and gray asphalt.  someone had pushed in pieces of seashells into the still soft tar and now, the hardened asphalt was littered with little white points of broken shells.  the dolly shook and bumped in a terrifying way as junsu made his way across this particular road.  junsu didn't realize he had been holding his breath until he reached the end of the relatively short road.

"whew..." junsu let out a breath as he turned to look back on the rough road behind him.  "at least we won't be coming here again..."

the stairs were a lot harder.  the steps were deep and rickety, made of rotting wood and rusting metal reinforcements.  the dolly had to be discarded at the top of the stairs.  junsu bid it goodbye without much remorse although he did wish it luck for the next owner.  with one arm wrapped around the mannequin contraption, junsu slowly made his way down the winding stairs.  the railings were splintered.  junsu had to grit his teeth and bear the sharp pains into the soft palm of his hand.  he didn't want to lose his balance and he certainly didn't want to drop the mannequin on the way down.

the whole back of junsu's shirt was soaked by the time junsu and the mannequin got to the bottom of the stairs.  junsu's cheeks were still rosy but the cold wind breezing through had junsu shivering and clutching the mannequin closer to him.  junsu decided to sit down on the nearest rock and take off his shoes and socks.  he also took this opportunity to gaze into the mannequin’s face.

"we're here" he whispered.  "the sea..."

it was true.  junsu left his socks and shoes on the very rock he had sat on and made his way across the white sandy beach.  the mannequin’s feet were dragging on the sand because junsu's own feet were sinking into the unbelievably soft sand.  but now, junsu didn't mind; he was imagining that the mannequin’s feet were someone else's.

=

all the lights were turned off.  though it was still early evening, the nurse in charge of room eight oh one was tired out.  her shift was almost ending and it wasn't like her charge would notice if the lights went dim just a little earlier.  nurse yoon took one more look into the hospital room as she drew the faded curtain.

"tsk...such a pity..." she murmured.  she felt it was such a waste for such a beautiful young man to be in such a state.  nurse yoon had also heard from the doctors that he wouldn't last, that there was little to no chance of him waking again.  even so, the patient's eyes were wide open and staring at the ceiling.  the computer screen next to the patient's bed was active with what looked like a video that was playing.  it was a video of a young boy walking along the beach.  the young boy was trailing both hands in the foamy water as if washing them of something.

nurse yoon gave one last pitying smile before she closed the door to the room for the night.

=

a few stragglers on the beach front stared and whispered at the way junsu was talking with the mannequin that had a camera strapped to its head.  junsu didn't pay any mind though.  he was waiting for the sunset.

after walking around the beach for a good hour, junsu found the perfect spot.  the spot was nestled in between a patch of sea grass and a small sand dune.  it had a perfect but private view of the ocean.  he set the mannequin down carefully first before arranging himself on the patch of sand next to it.

"isn't it pretty jaejoong?" junsu murmured.  "it's the ocean...the place you wanted to see so much."

a sharp sensation deep in his throat caused junsu's throat to catch and he stopped talking for a long time.  silent tears dripped down the side of his face but he wasn't facing the mannequin so he let them fall, careful not to make a sound.

the sun was a fiery orange and it looked like a giant gooey piece of yolk as it seemed to sink into the horizon.  the pinks and purples following the bright orb shimmered beautifully on the surface of the ever moving sea.  the warm colors sank into the cold looking sea and at that moment, junsu desperately wished that jaejoong was actually watching the sight with him.

"but it's impossible isn't it?  impossible to share this ...right now... with you..."

junsu felt another sob rising in his throat, but he swallowed hard.  his throat hurt at the effort, but he was successful.  he wiped the streaks on his face as best he could and faced the mannequin, turned the mannequin so it would face him.

"you know" junsu said with a shy smile.  "i've always wanted to kiss on the beach.  it's romantic isn't it?"

junsu smiled with what he hoped was a bright enough smile to reflect on the receiver's face.  he ignored the hot feeling of tears behind his eyelids.

"come on...let's try..."

=

room eight oh one was dark except for the glow of the computer screen and the flashing blips from various machines around the patient's bed.  on the computer screen, a young boy was getting closer and closer to the screen.  the close proximity of the shot captured the bits of sand that stuck to the boy's face and the wetness glistening on the boy's cheeks.  the boy in the screen smiled brightly despite his cracked, chapped lips.  and as the sun dipped in the background, the boy's head also disappeared from view.

the occupant of room eight oh one laid still, blinked his eyes once, and didn't move again.  the only sounds were those of the respirator, vital monitor, and iv drip machine.

=

junsu dipped his head as the tears rushed forth.  no matter how hard he tried to keep them in, it hadn't worked.  no matter how much his tears spilled forth, his chest still felt stuffy and it was hard to breathe.  it was silly, junsu knew.  but even in jaejoong's state, junsu didn't want jaejoong to see junsu crying.  junsu didn't want that sad image to be left with jaejoong.

as he sobbed into the mannequin’s lap, away from the camera's lens, junsu recalled the words of the doctor he had visited last week.

"i'm sorry..."

"but he's still awake!  he blinks, he moves, and..."

"simple bodily functions that go on because we keep him on machines... but, the person inside is no longer there i'm afraid."

"but when i hold his hand, he..."

"small jerks are normal.  but they're not conscious movements.  i'm sorry.  i don't mean to be harsh, but i don't want to keep your hopes up.  it would be unfair to both you and the patient."

"but he's still...alive..."

"he breathes...but barely.  if we took him off of the respirator, i'm afraid that would..."

"...would what?"

"...well, it would end his life."


junsu kept on crying until sand was clinging to his tears and making its way into his nostrils and mouth.  junsu wondered if saying 'life without jaejoong is no life at all' was a clichéd sort of way to sum things up. he figured it was, but he couldn't explain it in any other way.  sure, junsu was devastated that jaejoong might never see the ocean with him, that they would probably never share a kiss on the beach.  but it didn't make junsu upset to admit that he could find no reason to live without jaejoong in his life.  it was mere fact.

junsu thought deeply about his circumstances.  many people had told him that suicide was selfish.  and maybe it was.  it certainly wouldn't give anyone pleasure from the fact, junsu reasoned.  and he couldn't think of anyone who would derive pleasure from the news.  still, he thought of death and moving on.  if jaejoong died and junsu lived, jaejoong would be soon forgotten with time.  he's still be a memory, but junsu would go on living and making new beginnings and new memories without jaejoong.  it had happened before with his parents' death.  no one loved his parents more than junsu did.  but still, here was junsu now, living as happily as could be without them.  even though he did miss them at times, junsu was still able to function, still able to find reason for living.  without jaejoong,

junsu was sure this wasn't possible.

"i'm sorry i'm not with you now.  i just can't...i...i'm too...is it selfish of me to want to be with you forever?"

junsu felt no sadness or chagrin as he carried the heavy mannequin with him into the ocean.  he shivered a little as the biting temperature of the water seeped into his core.  but soon, everything was going numb: his legs, his torso, his arms, his shoulders.  a bolt of thunder rumbled in the distance and the sky abruptly turned a swirly gray.  junsu smiled into the water and looked over at the mannequin one last time.

"i love..."

the undertow was quick and swift as it swept junsu under.  still, even until the last minute, junsu didn't fail to keep hold of the mannequin in his arms.

=

the screen fizzled and went black. 

several hours later, it was morning again.  visiting hours were starting and a solemn elderly couple shuffled into room eight oh one.

'"how is he?" the old woman asked nurse yoon.

"the same.  he's always the same."

a rough sounding sob came from the throat of the old man and the woman drew closer to wrap an arm around his shoulder.

"shh...darling.  he'll be in a better place soon."

nurse yoon wasn't surprised at the decision.  she thought that if it were her own son on the bed, she would have made the same decision.  she wasn't surprised at the exchange between the couple either.  over the many years she had worked in the hospital, she had witnessed women often being emotionally stronger than the men.  maybe that was why the woman chose to pull the cord herself. 

the decision was made, the doctor called, and three other nurses for witnesses came into the room.  everything was ready.  the iv had been taken out and cleaned.  the respirator had been prepared to shut down.  and within minutes, the deed was done.  the vital machine beeped in response to the failing lungs, the failing organs, and then the failing heart.

after the sheets were pulled over the deceased's head, the man noticed the laptop on the bedside table.

"what's this?" he asked.  "was this my son's?"

nurse yoon shook her head.  "it was left by a visitor.  it was playing some kind of video it seemed..."

another male nurse drew closer to inspect it.  "looks like it was streaming from another webcam elsewhere, but the connection's broken now."

"a webcam?" asked the woman.

the nurse nodded his head.  "yep, it's like a phone call except with cameras over the internet."

the elderly couple exchanged looks but asked no more.

"would you like to take this with you sir?  ma'am?" the nurse asked as he pointed to the computer.

the woman started to shake her head, but the man nodded, reaching for the laptop. 

"yes, we'll have it buried with our son.  thank you."

the elderly couple held each other, shedding silent tears, as they watched their son's body being rolled out of room eight oh one.  in one hand, the laptop was held loosely by the patient's father.  when the couple left the hospital, nurse yoon came to pull out the name tag on beside the room.

'kim, jaejoong'

"good bye" nurse yoon whispered as she threw the name tag away into the rubbish bin.  "farewell."

=

(("good bye" junsu whispered as he laid a soft kiss on jaejoong's forehead.  junsu had an early class but jaejoong was sleeping ever so deeply and wonderfully.  it was hard for junsu to tear his eyes away from him.  it had already been months since they had moved in together.

junsu thought that he had known all there was to know about jaejoong.  after all, during the two years they'd been going out, junsu had learned a lot.  but during months of their cohabitation, junsu was constantly surprised to find new things about jaejoong every day, every moment.

the way he would rake his bangs back on his head when he was frustrated with his composition.  the way he'd absent-mindedly go back to playing an unknown melody on his keyboard when he was bored.  the way he gulped down water as if the action was a performance piece.  the way he would suddenly get shy when they were face to face on the bed.

"tell me what you love about me" he'd constantly command.  then blush at the little details and compliments that junsu doled out.

junsu'd laugh.  his eu kyang kyang kyang.  then jaejoong would follow suit with his ah ha ha ha ha.

they'd end up in a tangle of limbs and junsu would quiet down at the pure wonderment induced by jaejoong's white muscular arms.  the skin and muscle felt like marble to junsu, like a sculpture.  and for a whole minute, junsu would have trouble believing that jaejoong was his, all his.


"farewell" junsu said dramatically before letting out a giggle.

with a click of the door, junsu had left for school.  of course, he had no idea that it'd be the last time he saw jaejoong in their bed.))

=

an old man with a slight limp in his right leg, hobbled down the beach with a metal detector.  despite it being five in the morning, the old man was cheerful.  it was the morning after a storm and he was optimistically looking forward to something the water had dragged to shore.  he carefully combed the beach for about an hour until he came to rest at a particularly large rock next to the steep wooden stairs.  the old man was surprised to find a pair of pretty new looking sneakers and some socks.

"some kids musta left 'em" he thought to himself.  he sat for a good twenty minutes before eyeing his empty bag and the relatively new sneakers.

"well...finders keepers" cackled the old man as he stuffed the sneakers into his pack.


=

the funeral was a quiet one and, while many people came, jaejoong's parents were puzzled to be missing one particular person.

"he wanted us to meet him" muttered the mother.  "why isn't he here?"

"he'll come.  it's jaejoong's funeral for god's sakes.  he'll come" chanted the father.

a few months ago, jaejoong had announced that he had a lover, a male lover at that.  and this announcement had been left fresh in the elderly couple's minds.  they were sure that this mysterious male lover would show himself.

but though the ceremony ended, no one made themselves known as jaejoong's love. 

the father was bitter.  "what kind of guy was he anyway?"  but jaejoong's mother was complacent.  "at least our jaejoong knew what love was before he passed."

=

the socks that had been left behind were soon found by some seagulls who had been scanning the beach for some breakfast.  two particularly large gulls fought over one and it soon tore.  the other sock was taken by a stray cat for play before it was abandoned near a dumpster.  one of the gulls flew with one torn piece in its mouth up to a high precipice, where it had its nest.

the fabric was lain carefully inside the lining of the nest and gently woven with the rest of the feathers and twigs.  after the half sock was placed according to the bird's liking, the bird flew off once more, in search of that elusive breakfast.

=

it was many months later that the father remembered the laptop.  he had forgotten to take it to the burial ceremony and it had laid on his shelf, collecting dust for a very long time.

"are the batteries still working i wonder" the father mumbled to himself as he pressed the power button.

the screen lit up and the man was surprised to find that it was still able to function.  after a bit of searching jaejoong's father was surprised to find only one significant file on the hard drive.  the file was called: "to jaejoong_final".  upon clicking it, the father found that it was a rather short video clip.  he checked the battery indicator; he still had a few minutes of power left.  the man quickly pressed play.

a young man's boyish face came on screen.  he looked amazingly cute for a man and had kind eyes.

"hi jaejoong" the boy's voice carried through the speakers.  "it's me.  junsu."

the man gasped.  it was jaejoong's lover.  the boy whom jaejoong had spoken so fondly and lovingly of...

"i know that you'll probably never see this, so i don't even know why i'm doing this in the first place.  maybe it's for myself.  maybe it's for us.  i don't know.  probably the former...you know how selfish i am, don't you?"

here the boy's face formed into a bright smile.

"remember how you always wanted to see the ocean?" the boy continued, fidgeting with the side of his hair.  "well, i decided that i'd go for the both of us, since i don't know if..."

the screen broke after the boy's face twisted into an expression of sorrow.  the boy's face came back on in a split second.  the boy had edited the video to show only his smiling face.

"well, since it's not quite fair that i'm going by myself, i decided i'd bring along a substitute for you.  now, don't be jealous.  i'll introduce you two.  here..."

the boy had brought out a white mannequin.  he placed it cheerfully on the side of the table where the boy was sitting as he filmed.  jaejoong's father could tell that the boy's cheery voice was now forced.  there were reddened rims around his eyes.

"this'll be you, just for that day.  this'll be you, because i can't take the real you with me.  just for one day..."

the screen fizzled again before refocusing.

"hey jaejoong?"

the boy looked a little defeated now and his eyes looked more droopy and desperate.

"promise that you'll be with me forever?  i promise too...i...i...love..."

the screen went blank.  the father, momentarily confused, checked to see what the problem was.  but the battery was dead.  what had been left of the video? the father wondered.  but maybe, he thought, maybe he didn't want to know.

the father took the laptop in his arms and walked to jaejoong's room.  the couple had decided amongst their selves to keep it as it was, in jaejoong's memory, until they couldn't keep it any longer.

the father, with a small sad smile on his lips, placed the laptop on jaejoong's desk.

"he loves you jaejoong" the father whispered.  "i can see that.  i hope... i hope you two can be together soon."

with that, the father shut the door behind him, suddenly feeling a sense of affirmation in his own hopeful words.

=

((many months ago, jaejoong's last credit card purchase had been a pair of sneakers and a pair of dolphin printed socks.  he had presented the brand new shoes and socks to junsu in a black box with a silver bow. jaejoong had found it extremely embarrassing to present it to junsu in person.  after all, it hadn't been a special occasion.  it wasn't even a holiday.

so jaejoong had hid it behind junsu's opened laptop.  it lay behind the open lid of the portable computer and it had taken junsu a full week to find it.  when he had finally closed the lid on the laptop, he had met with a somewhat dusty surprise.

"jaejoong!" he'd exclaimed.  "jaejoong, what's this?!"

and the bright smile that junsu was rewarded with was a more heart-wrenching present than the actual shoes and socks.

it would take junsu weeks to finally break open the new shoes and actually wear them.

it would take jaejoong a few more days to convince junsu to wear them outside with his new socks.))


 
 
 
han_seoulhan_seoul on February 3rd, 2010 07:58 am (UTC)
That was REALLY beautiful and heartwrenching ;________;
I love this. Sooooo much.
젬젬 gemgem: white swmisstellittome on February 4th, 2010 06:59 am (UTC)
thank you, i'm glad you liked it :D
KIM: 재수 - 뽀뽀kimbuibui on February 3rd, 2010 10:52 am (UTC)
YOU MADE ME CRY. T_____T

why are they always so compatible with angst? i want a happy fic.

and i think it'll look better if the past between jaesu are in italics. i got a bit confused there.

wonderful read~ ♥
젬젬 gemgemmisstellittome on February 4th, 2010 07:01 am (UTC)
ikr? i don't know why jaesu are so tragic to me. maybe a happy one for next time ;D

sorry about the confusion. i actually had those past bits in italics before and then it was too much when i looked at it as a whole so i left them out. i had hoped it would be obvious that it was in the past, but i guess not D: i changed it with parentheses...hope that helps :)

thanks for reading~
maggieweerainbow on February 4th, 2010 12:09 am (UTC)
my heart broke reading this :(
you actually brought tears to my eyes too...it's so desperately sad.

yet i can't help but be glad for them both that they did manage to have and experience that beautiful love before it was too late ♥
젬젬 gemgem: white swmisstellittome on February 4th, 2010 07:03 am (UTC)
aww...i made you cry?

i was trying to hint at their 'beautiful love' with the sadness that came afterwards. :)

thank you for reading!
the almighty.: 2PM : otpflyfallcrash on February 5th, 2010 06:50 pm (UTC)
Good job :(
You're making me tear up when I have an exam in an hour x__x
This was so beautiful and the way you described the journey to the sea was wonderful ♥
젬젬 gemgem: socksmisstellittome on February 10th, 2010 08:04 am (UTC)
aww...sorry for the tears. i hope your exam went okay. :/

sorry for late reply as well. thank you for reading!