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25 February 2010 @ 10:12 pm
written for jaesu_challenge monthly contest with this prompt

"i can only take so much
these tears are turning me to rust
i know you re waiting there for me to come back
i m too afraid to show "

jaesu. angst. 1,412 words.

Summary: Two struggling souls. Junsu left. For someone else. Jaejoong is left with broken shards. 


He trails a hand to skim lightly along with the heavens, weaving his fingers between the winking jewels that embed themselves within midnight’s, lush, inky tresses. His breath catches with each brief gasp, his lashes fluttering erratically as he fights to encase the smarting, pinpricks of hot tears pooling at the corners. This wasn’t good. It never was. Jaejoong tries futilely for the third night in a row to still his harsh wheezes, feeling the familiar pull incessantly tug and tear away at the frayed edges of his soul. No, this is madness. I'm stronger than this.


Jaejoong sucks in a gulp of the cool night air, leaning his head back to rest upon the cracked concrete walls of his dingy apartment balcony. Dried leaves and matted clots of dust pooled haphazardly atop a grimy plastic grate- Jaejoong had not the heart left in him to clean it up for the past few weeks. He snorted abruptly, a bitter, condescending bob of his head that dipped favourably to allow his lips to purse at a glass rim. If I even have a heart left intact after that bas- Jaejoong shies away from the thought, taking another swig at the cheap soju, its sour tang searing its way delightedly down his raw throat, leaving him to scrunch his features in an agonised hiss. A breeze whispered through the littered streets of downtown Seoul, throwing up the city’s pollution and the certain foul curses of a miserable tenant two floors down up to Jaejoong's ears.


Like a parasitic tick, Jaejoong heaved another tremulous gasp as he felt his sorrows lance him once again through his chest, embedding itself within the cracked shards of his beating heart, spreading its putrid poison to crawl insidiously through his veins, paralysing him from within. It was terrifyingly simplistic in its murder- a piercing drop that shattered his heart, leaving the rest to fester with time, entirely revelling in the bouts of sickness he regularly subjected himself to. Jaejoong was by no means a healthy individual. Instead, he pitted himself against the elements, wracking his frail body in time to the hypnotic sway of cigarettes and alcohol. Just like how I damn myself right now. Jaejoong twisted his lips upwards in a wry grimace, bringing a trembling hand up to sip lightly at a lit cigarette, watching with half lidded eyes at the phantasmagorical swirls of crystallized silver spiralling across his knuckles.


A spasm jolted his momentary reverie, flinging him back harshly into the chilling present. Jaejoong clutched at his tightened chest, an incoherent huff escaping his parted lips as he doubled over, hunching over his drawn knees to rest unseeing, glazed orbs upon the tiled ground. He looked like he was about to have a seizure, but no, this was daily- a routine. This is one of the better nights. Jaejoong felt a tremor shiver down his spine, drawing out a whimpering keen to crawl up his throat, the cigarette butt left forgotten at his side. There was a momentary lull, where silence reigned supreme within the dark house, even the neighbours had ceased their rambling shouts. It’s coming soon, Jaejoong thought grimly.


And it did.


With a jolt, he rolled abruptly to his side, grabbing fistfuls of his tangled hair in a frenzied lock, scrunching his eyes tightly together in an effort to still the sobs. Many thought that crying came slowly, an ineffectual drip, drip, drip that you saw in the movies. Reality came crashing down that much swifter. With lethal precision, his tears encroached upon the parched surface of his heart, creeping constricting brambles that leeched each whoosh of air through his straining lungs, stabbing time and time again at the very core of his soul. An assassin in the night, he dubbed her, stalking his thoughts during the day before slaughtering him in the night.


These tears are turning me to rust…


“Junsu,” Jaejoong whispered out, a slithering breath of words that ghosted across the tiled flooring, unseen and unheard. “I can only take so much…”




“Here.” A steaming, Starbucks coffee cup was thrust under his distracted gaze out the wide windows, effectively breaking his wandering thoughts to splash back into oblivion. Junsu looked up towards the source of the soft voice, meeting crinkled eyes and an easy, quirky smile. But Junsu felt no inclination to smile back. I don’t have the heart for it anymore. Not since- Junsu gave a quick jerk of his head, plastering a small smile over his lips that enticed a wider beam to spread over Yunho's features. Junsu murmured his thanks, sipping delicately at the porcelain rim and giving out a purr of satisfaction. Junsu didn’t think Yunho's smile could not get any wider, but it did. Junsu felt a certain fondness for the man, he was sure, but ‘ardent fervour’ was another thing entirely. Do I really like him?


Junsu shoved that traitorous thought away, shifting uncomfortably in his seat to continue staring out the window. He let his attention drift and tatter apart with each thrushing breeze that rustled through the trees lining the campus grounds. A few students still milled about campus grounds, the chill autumn wind herding them into the cosy confines of the café as if they were wilful little children. Maybe, to her eyes, they very much were. He noticed out of his periphery Yunho reaching across the small, wrought iron coffeetable to slip his hand around Junsu's smaller palm. Junsu jerked in surprise, shock flitting momentarily across his vulnerable features before he schooled them hastily into a mask of abashed silence. He lifted his gaze a fraction, immediately meeting Yunho's warm orbs of burnished copper. This man is too good for me. He doesn’t deserve me. I'm trash. Junsu gave that small smile again. I hate that smile. It felt fake, infuriatingly and blithely masking his real emotions. Junsu felt stifled and smothered, choking on his own, ripped fragments of his life.


Gods, how I miss him…


And that’s when Junsu stuttered, stumbled and fell back into a damning abyss of his own creation. Those same eyes, haunting and poignant, always silent and pensive, as if the world was his canvas and he was drinking in the myriad of colours and brushstrokes with each small, sure step. He's here.  Junsu couldn’t do anything, he simply sat there, whilst his frantic thoughts screamed and raged an eternal battle within his numbed consciousness. Those same eyes were staring back at him through the shop front window, past the huge, crinkled, green sticker logo of Starbucks emblazoned across the glass.


Junsu lay paralysed, his eyes disregarding all else to simply stare at Jaejoong's stoic mask, uncaring of the bustle of students chattering around him, or the constant stream of huddled shoulders rushing to their next classes. Jaejoong was icy planes at all angles, his features chiselled from the same mould of marble to paint him as a striking statue riveted to the spot beneath the shady crown of a birch tree. I know you’re waiting there for me to come back. Jaejoong's lips moved, indiscernible and jumbled. Junsu couldn’t make the words out.  I don’t want to know. With a wrench of his heart, Junsu broke the stare and turned towards Yunho with that same, maddening smile, never turning once to look in Jaejoong's direction. I’m too afraid to show.




Junsu was right there. Jaejoong stilled his breath, catching and sticking to the roof of his parched mouth. His fingers trembled and twitched, dropping the smouldering stub of his cigarette to lash in a burst of sparks against the ground. He was right there. With Jung Yunho. Abruptly Jaejoong dampened his staccato of clenching heartbeats, staring with lost love at the beautiful man that withheld all their cherished memories. The same burnished locks of crisp amber, that Jaejoong was nuzzled gently in the wee hours of the morning upon crinkled pillows. That same small, coveted smile- heartbreaking in all its fragility- now showered upon someone else. Did three days seem that long? The never ending cascade of his sorrows now seemed shortened into an infinitesimally small stretch, an ominous foreboding harking towards his spiralling, freefalling journey into despair.


Junsu locked eyes with Jaejoong through the wide, panelled glass windows. “I will always love you, Su.” Jaejoong whispered, anguish roiling just beneath his skin, threatening to contort his features into a twist of regret and misery.

I will always be waiting for you.


obsidianinksobsidianinks on February 25th, 2010 02:14 pm (UTC)
spot~ for ekin_hardy 
ekin_hardyekin_hardy on February 25th, 2010 02:33 pm (UTC)
owh..u even know how to put me with the head icon now..lol

You know how I wanna bite your head off now bb^^ (funny how i call u bb but still planning on biting off ur head ha? XD)

like i said...Its sad..but with such prompt it tend to end up sad like this ha,,,

RAW! i LIKE THE FEELING...and this helps me to overcome the Jaesu deprivation..

write moar bb..maybe update ur Jaesu chaptered..*waiting like JJ is*

munkymandee on February 25th, 2010 02:32 pm (UTC)
don't be forgetting the glitter and rainbows : ))))
lammyellaxxxlammyellaxxx on February 25th, 2010 05:41 pm (UTC)
Are you delibrately setting out to make me cry?*on the verge of tears right now...*
you broke jaesu (TT__TT) how could you???
When I saw this prompt awhile ago over at the challenge comm, I thought I could relate it to robots coming to life because of love!(I know I'm weird, but don't laugh.lol) and yet you made it angsty. It's BEAUTIFUL and yet soooo sad. I don't why they are not free-falling back together when clearly they still love and miss each other.

I still can't actually believe this is for me...you have such a talent for writing that I am in AWE.x
since this is more than enough for my daily dosage of angst for today, I'm even more determined now to write myself a HAPPY Jaesu since it'll make me feel better before my birthday on Sunday.hehe (-^•^-)

thank you bb and love you lots and lots. Xxx
hangeng4everhangeng4ever on March 13th, 2010 01:15 am (UTC)
i love the angst...hmm...it hurts to wait for nothing, i feel for jae...